My daughter was born in June. She
picked up nursing like a charm and has been doing it contentedly ever
since. I love nursing her. I love the cuddles, the dreamy look on
her face, and the pause it brings to my day. When I nurse her, I can
feel myself relaxing too. It does so many good things for her:
giving her ideal nutrition, and extra protection against illness and
disease. It's safe to say that I'm in the pro-breastfeeding camp.
Breast is Best, as they say - no arguments here.
I felt this way long before we had
Little Will, and when I became pregnant with him I knew we would be
breastfeeding. Within our group of friends, almost everyone had
started out nursing their babies, but quite a few had stopped after
one month or three or four. I was adamant that I would nurse for at
least a year. I couldn't see any reason why this wouldn't be the
case. Low breast milk? My body would produce what my baby needed.
Painful? I have a very high pain tolerance – I could certainly put
up with some discomfort. Most of all, I'm persistent. If I said I
would do it, I would. In my mind it was as simple as that.
We started having problems in the first
few days. Will had a tough time latching, and when he did finally
latch it was excruciating. The nurses at the hospital offered
advice, and because of them I was able to at least begin nursing, but
the pain and the difficulty with latching didn't end when I went
home. Eventually, a pediatrician diagnosed him with a tongue tie and
promptly had it clipped. Things improved, a little, but there was
still a lot of pain and some difficulty with latching. I made many,
many visits to the lactation clinic. My lactation consultant thought
he may have developed some bad “sucking habits” with the tongue
tie. The result of all this difficulty was that my nipples were
completely raw and cracked. Every time I nursed the cracks reopened
and I often bled, and the pain continued. Not quite the relaxing
bonding experience I was hoping for, but again I vowed to persist.
Nursing was too important, too beneficial for my little one, for me
to give up. I continued nursing, and things got worse.
I got a horrid breast infection which
went from bad to worse. My breasts became incredibly engorged, but I
couldn't seem to empty them out enough to make a difference. They
were about three times their normal size and turned purple like they
were bruised all over. I visited doctors constantly. My family
doctor suspected that my breast infection had developed into abcesses
– little pockets of infection that would need to be removed
surgically – but they couldn't find any evidence of them on
ultrasound. Eventually they got so bad that they actually ruptured
and this horrid puss started to leak from a hole in my breast – or
perhaps erupt is a better word. Sorry if I'm grossing you out. It
was much worse in person, trust me.
After all of this, and surgery to
remove abcesses in both breasts, my doctor asked me to wait a couple
of months to heal afterwards. When I tried to nurse Will again after
all of that time had passed, I had no milk to give him. So I started
pumping every few hours to bring it back, but it didn't work.
The good news is that Will flourished
on formula. He was a little guy from the start, and still is, but
with his difficulties latching he really wasn't getting enough
breastmilk from me to meet his nutritional needs. Even though I was
not thrilled to have to give him formula instead of breastmilk, I was
really grateful for this alternative.
So, after hearing my story, I'm sure
you can understand why I was nervous about nursing Baby Girl. I
figured that at least some of those problems would be repeated with
her. She is now 5 months old, and so far no pain, no nipple damage,
no breast infections... I'm almost starting to get hopeful that this
time nursing is going to work. I'm still in the “Breast is Best”
camp, but sometimes “Breast” is simply not a possibility.
Sometimes, formula is the best for you and your baby, and I can say
that because of what I've been through. I've experienced one of the
worst case scenarios. I can say, though, that I've also experienced
one of the best. If you've had problems with nursing in the past, I
would encourage you to try again with your next child if you can.
It's totally worth it. If it doesn't work out, though, don't beat
yourself up. Your job is to find the situation that will keep both
of you healthy and sane.
As I write this, Baby Girl is at my
breast. She's sucking contentedly, sometimes looking up at me with
her big, trusting eyes. This is what nursing is supposed to be like,
and I'm so grateful to have this experience. It was the best of
times, it was the worst of times. Absolutely.
