First of all, definitely mistrust this type of advice when it comes from someone who is not yet a parent. People often joke that they knew everything there was to know about parenting until they actually had kids. It's funny... kind of. I can't be the only one, though, who's been told how to parent my kids by people who have not actually experienced parenthood themselves. Probably the worst example of this I can think of was right after Little Will was born. He had his days and nights confused, and I was beyond exhausted. A friend of mine was not yet a mother, but she wanted to be and so had put considerable thought into how she would be parenting her children. Her advice: just let him cry it out. So simple, in her mind. I'm not hard core when it comes to this sort of thing, but I've never been super comfortable with this strategy. And there was no way, at that point, that I would let my fragile little newborn cry without attempting to comfort him. Not to mention that my husband did not like "cry it out" at all, so it was simply not an option for us. My friend was a little insensitive on this matter. Not only did she keep repeating this advice like it was the most obvious thing in the world, but every time she saw my poor, sleep deprived face she would say it again with a tone suggesting that my suffering was self-imposed.
Fast-forward approximately 2 years into the future. Her little one was born, and right from the beginning she began sleep training. I said not a word on the issue. I think some kids sleep train easier than others, and so it could very well have worked out for her. Her child, however, was not a particularly good sleeper. He cried... and cried... and cried... until my friend (who despite her hard words, is really kind of a softy) relented. At 17 months, he is still not sleeping through the night. She recently asked me how we got Little Will to sleep through the night (he finally started doing this consistently at about 11 months). I'm afraid we didn't have any advice for her. Will started sleeping through the night on his own. My point: parenting seems like a very simple process until you're actually doing it. Take the advice of non-parents with a grain of salt.
Another danger is older people who have successfully parented their own children and believe that you are parenting your children incorrectly. I think the danger here is simply memory. I don't think they always remember what it was like being with young children. They see a small child misbehave, and they tell you that their children never behaved this way. I'm sceptical of this kind of advice. If it's been 30 or 40 years since you last had young children in your home, how much about normal child behaviour do you really remember? Actually, Little Will often gets complimented on his behaviour when we are out in public. As much as I'd like to claim that it is because of our awesome parenting, I think it has more to do with his shyness. It makes him appear well-behaved when he's really just overwhelmed by all the big people staring down at him. I recently ran into an older couple at the doctor's office, however, who, after complimenting me on Will's behaviour, then went on to lecture me on how lax parents were being with discipline "these days," and how corporal punishment (hitting, slapping, spanking) was the only way to go. I listened politely, and then responded that my parents had given me a very good childhood, and that my husband and I were going to use their parenting as the model. This apparently was not good enough. They seemed to want to hear me say that I was going to change my ways right then and there and begin the spanking immediately! The entire time Will sat on my lap and smiled sweetly at every person who walked by and did not even make a peep. Sigh! Some people like to hear their own voice I think.
I'm sure there are some absolutes... practices generally considered to be child abuse by most people. What I'm talking about here are the things we do to discipline our kids, get them to sleep, comfort them, and how some people need to tell you that you're doing it wrong even if it is working for you.
On the other hand, advise from people whom you respect as parents, and who don't ram the advise down your throat, that advise is pure gold. If you don't have someone like this in your life, find them. My friend Jolene is like this. We aren't on the same page with all aspects of parenting, but I feel like she respects the way I raise my children as much as I respect hers. She rarely gives unsolicited advise, and often starts her advise with "this worked for me." Her advise about toilet training Little Will, for example, was invaluable. I'll be posting more on this later.
My mom is another person whose advise I value. She and my father gave me and my brother an amazing childhood. If I even come close to be the mother she was for me, then I'll consider myself a success. When I ask my mom for advise, though, she's always a little bit careful to tell me what to do. Sometimes she simply says that she doesn't remember - it was 30 years ago after all. When she does give advise, she often starts with "this worked for me" as well.
Advise is wonderful when it's given by good parents who seek only to help you and not to bolster their own ego or prove they have it all figured out. People who give advise this way are the best friends a weary mommy (or daddy) could have. Seek these people out. Ask them for their parenting tricks, secrets and suggestions. And those other people... just smile and nod, and then continue to parent however you see fit. In parenting, there are few absolute rules. You do what works for you, your kids, your spouse and your situation. You find those strategies that help you and yours to thrive as a family. If it works, if it makes life easier for your family, and if it brings out the best in each family member, then it was good advise. Keep doing it, and don't listen to those who say otherwise.
No comments:
Post a Comment